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Dr. Bullhed

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(no subject) [Oct. 8th, 2005|02:12 pm]
Dr. Bullhed
[Current Mood |Doubtful of the future]
[Current Music |VNV Nation - Homeward]

Recently I have remembered that I have a live journal. I wondered to myself why I haven't been writing or reading other peoples journals. It used to be such a big part of my life. Now I don't find myself peering into people's lifes, I am much more just a person starign off into space. Waiting for things to just happen. And believe it or not things don't seem to just happen. They happen if you make them happen. Maybe all I will do in this entry is rant on something that is irrelavent to anyone else....

There are so many things that I could talk about I don't know where to start. There are so many things that I haven't wrote about in so long that there is way too much. Ever since I started college I don't think I have changed to be any better of  a person. I still don't think very highly of myself. And I feel I am always suppressing my inner feelings just so that someone else is happy. I only have a few select friends that I can count on. And sometimes I believe that those people are not here with me. After that three years at college I don't believe I have made any core friends. The friends that I do have are not solely interested in the things I am interested in and they don't really know me. I guess I could some more motivation and actually do some of the things I really want to do. I base most of my life on the things that I own. And therefore if I don't have those things then I can't do activities that I would like to.

I feel that my hole life up here at college has been spent working on a career. And now I am so close to my destination, I don't know if I'm ready. What really have I learned. Do I know what it takes to be an engineer? Every class I go through it seems that I am just squeezing by. I'm surprized that I got into this school with all these smart people. College has really step in levels of hardness this year. To think that my first couple of years were hard. Well I didn't see this coming. School really sucks. I keep telling myself that when it's all done I'll be better off than a lot of people. I'll have a great job and a family and everything will be great. But it's not that easy. I don't even know what kind of Civil engineer I want to be. I don't know what kind of job I want to do. Am I just wasting all this time. What do I really want to do with my life. Who do I want to become. Who do I want to be with. Who will my friends be. Will I be okay. Will I make it.

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(no subject) [May. 20th, 2005|03:50 pm]
Dr. Bullhed
[Current Mood |Fuck me.]
[Current Music |A Perfect Circle - The Noose]

Yes, I fucked up. But unfortunately for me I do have a life to dedicate myself to. I have a job and I have family that I need to be at and with. Sure friends are important to me but if they can't see that sometimes I am just really bad at knowing when dates are and what I have time for. Then fuck them and they can go to hell!

A few weeks ago, one of my soon to be housemates called me up and asked if I wanted to go to Canada some weekend. Like any kid that is above the age of 18 and under 21, I said that it was a great idea.

But one thing I have told people before is that I don't really have time to go on trips during the summer. I spend a lot of time at work and when I'm not at work I often like spending time on the lake and hanging out with my family. I have family that comes up from downstate and I'm really close to all of them. With all this time spent with family and work I don't really have much time for anyone else. One of my motto's from way back was that 'I have friends during school and during the summer I can just forget about them cause I just don't have time.' Although it has never worked out that way, I still see it as a plausible excuse. I just don't have the time, and the time that I do have is squeezed in. Now I'm not saying that I don't like to hang out with good friends during the summer season, but I just have to make due with what time I have.

So this great idea of my friend was to go to Canada for the weekend. Well the problem with planning trips is that you have to have a time when everyone can go. The people that have jobs have to schedual their time so that it doesn't interfere. Well I thought I had a good weekend in mind. I told the friend that was planning everything and he was going to set it all up. Well then I got to thinking and figured out that the weekend that I had picked was Memorial weekend. Now why didn't anyone say anything about it being that earlier? Why didn't someone ask: Isn't that Memorial day weekend? It seems that if you were planning to go on some trip and your buddy told you a holiday was a good time then you might say something. Well I guess this is just me trying to blame my own stupidity on someone else. But it seems that someone would say something.

I want to go on the trip but I don't think I'll have the time until June or July. I probably won't have anytime for Cedar Point.

I don't have any money and anything I make this summer will go towards college, cause I failed that class and my parents are pissed. My life is gone now. I can't have fun with what I've got. I want to do so many more things before college ends but I don't have..... Ah well what the hell do you care. It's just my fucking life. Why do people always want more?

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(no subject) [Apr. 11th, 2005|08:28 am]
Dr. Bullhed
[Current Mood |No Mood, I don't feel anything]
[Current Music |Dire Straits - Sultans Of Swing]

School is windling away, I only have 2 more weeks before finals. I always feel right about now that these classes I'm taking are never going to end. And in some ways I don't want them to. I don't feel that I'm ready to stop learning about that subject, I don't feel like I have learned enough to take that final test. But in the end I will know that I'm ready to get out and start my busy summer all over again.

Good news, as long as the hospital doesn't find any illegal drugs in my system; then I have the job at MDOT. Which means I will be ready to T-bone another helpless brand new Honda Civic again. Yeah for accidents! And I especially like getting points on my license.

Everybody I know is planning on a trip this summer. And eventhough I will only be working 4 days a week with a 3 day weekend, I don't really have anymore vacation time. The years have left me with a plan to someday go camping with Hoxie, a Cedar Point trip with some college buddies, and leaving home early to party in Houghton one week before school starts. Along with all these activities I also planned on moving into my house in Hancock. I will probably only get a couple weekends for this. I planned on working for my uncle and helping him build a house, but now it looks like he won't be building this year after all. Bummer for me cause I need the money.

For all you college kids out there good luck on your finals. And for all the people stuck in high school, I'm laughing at cha. I get out the end of April. Pretty funny huh?

Now I will leave you to the little commentary that I have.

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(no subject) [Mar. 12th, 2005|05:32 pm]
Dr. Bullhed
[Current Mood |Somewhat Tipsy]
[Current Music |DJ Tiesto - In Search of Sunrise]

I must say the skiing was terrific. Unfortunately it is a bad year for Montana this year. They were 9 feet under their normal snow conditions. But all in all it was awesome. I realized that the mountain are much longer than any ski resort here in Michigan. My legs were sore the first day and I had to take it easy for the rest of the 4 days that I was out there. Some pictures of the trip can be seen HERE. Before going out on the trip I bought a 512 mb Secure Digital flash memory card. Needless to say I almost filled the card with over 400 pictures and some videos. It was a great trip and it really set a good example of what "Out West" skiing really is. Although, I expected powder and there was none of that. The temperatures of almost each day were in the 60's and the snow didn't want to stay around too much longer. Some days it was foggy and the last day it rained. I learned to ski mougles better than ever before and had fun with what was there. Over all it was a good trip and I will definately go again, someday (where funds are in supply).

I might go into great detail if asked but I don't really know what else to say.

Happy 21st Birthday Hoxie. Sorry I couldn't make to your party. It would have been making the impossible happen if I would have come. Hope you have tons of fun.

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(no subject) [Mar. 2nd, 2005|01:48 am]
Dr. Bullhed
[Current Mood |anxious]
[Current Music |Big n' Rich - Live This Life (Country)]

Montana is only a few days away now. For those of you that don't know about my trip, I will briefly fill you in. I'm going to Montana for Spring Break. And I will not be laying out in the sun, but I may soak up some UV rays from the reflection off the snow. Yes, that's right kiddies, I going skiing in Montana. Google has a really good map of the United States at maps.google.com, search for Whitefish, MT and that is where Big Mountain is located.

As I look back at my expenses of the year so far: I have spent more this school year than I have in a lifetime. And I don't want to brag about some of the stuff that I bought but I will fill you in on the details. Starting off the season I decided that I needed a new fatter type of ski. I thought I got a pretty good deal but after buying bindings to put on the new skis, the price jumped quite a bit. After that exponential loss, I decided to go on this Montana trip and see what some real powder skiiing was all about. Then I saw it fitting that I get a digital camera, not nessisarily for the trip but more that I have wanted one for a while. Although the camera came with a SD 64mb chip, I felt that it wouldn't be enough for my trip to Montana. So I decided that another good buy would be a new SD 512mb chip, that should run me a little more than 500 pictures. ( I almost forgot the Ford Explorer I bought last summer. )

So all in all, I've spent way too much and I only see more spending in the future. I might have to find two jobs this summer just to pay off my debts. I know I got the job at MDOT again this summer, so that should bring in some cash flow. But I might have to start saving up a little better.

Life changes when you get to college and at least I've found out how much more things I can have to fufill my world.

Hope Everyone has a much fun as I will on Spring Break. Safe Travels!

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(no subject) [Feb. 28th, 2005|01:58 am]
Dr. Bullhed
[Current Mood |Pumped, Spring Breaks Coming!!]
[Current Music |The Beatles = Maxwell's Silver Hammer]

I think a great idea I heard from a ski patroller buddy. He says that you should just take 12 credits for one semester. You should intern or co-op for the summer and carry that co-op through the fall semester. And then you should take those 12 credits in the spring semester. Then you save all of your motovation for that one semester and you actually want to go back to school. Unfortunately a down fall with this plan is that you might end up taking 6 or 8 years of college. Although college can be fun sometimes I don't think that I could stomach this strange idea. I would get sick of school somewhere in my 6 year and would probably drop out without a diploma. Wouldn't that suck, no job, no future, no money.

This is more of a comment to wilbur_h_cobb 's entry from Feb. 25th, 2005. But I thought that I could at least update my journal if I have this much to write. So what I will do is copy this entry over to comment on The Cobb's entry and post this entry as well. Two birds with one stone.

Well I'm a bit tired, you can consider me:

Cashed like a bowl on the third floor of a frat house.

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The Test [Feb. 23rd, 2005|12:19 am]
Dr. Bullhed
[Current Mood |Hopefully Gone]
[Current Music |Journey - Ask the Lonely]

Everyday I look around me and I see a whole lot of smart students. I look at my life and I say to myself, "I am the stupidest smart kid at this school." I really try in school but plainly I'm just bad at my test taking abilities. I don't do good on any sort of test or quiz and that is how the college grades you. They say that it doesn't matter what your grades are, but frankly I disagree. All I'm doing up here at school is competing against my fellow students to see if I can get a better grade than them. Unfortunately I'm stupid so most of the time I just try to get above average. This hardly happens and I find myself feeling sad. This college is hard and I'm surprised I even made it in. But thank God, cause someday I will get a job and I will be your boss.
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Oh boy, it's been a while! [Feb. 8th, 2005|02:18 pm]
Dr. Bullhed
[Current Mood |Contemplative]
[Current Music |The Beatle - While My Guitar Gently Weeps]

Over the course of this new semester I have worked with situations that started problems with my friends. I feel over Christmas break I damage a relationship with one of them. I told them what I thought was the truth and what was on my mind. This person is already depressed on their appearance in the world of today. I have also had to work out the problems of some friends dating internally within the group. The problems occur when they break up and don’t want to be around each other anymore. There is a tension between them and it will take some time before things go back to normal. And you can’t just make people be your friend, you have to let things just flow and work themselves out. In the end I think I have lost some friends or at least created some tension between us. It will take time and some deep conversation before I can hopefully patch the holes that I have torn into their lives.



On another note, I just signed a lease to rent a house in Hancock for this summer and next school year. Very Cool! This house will be the gateway to the manifest of me. I believe I will be able to grow and learn many things from being out on my own. ( so to speak )


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Ich bin mude [Jan. 15th, 2005|10:09 pm]
Dr. Bullhed
[Current Mood |scheissen]
[Current Music |Creed - Beautiful]

Christmas break was awesome. I lost my job at Gordon’s Food Service. I skied two whole days with my cousins. And I got to hang out with my closest friends. Although I didn’t get to hang out with all of the people I wanted to see during the beginning of break. Towards the end of break I through a party at my cabin and I got to see my best of friends. We had good times and hopefully it will become an annual thing. There were some conflicts in the beginning trying to make sure everyone could make it and stay the night. But all in all it turned out great and I believe people that once were not so close to me became closer on that night. Unfortunately not everyone got closer.

The beginning of the semester was shitty. One of my best friends lost his girl friend over break and my other best friend hooked up with a girl that I am good friends with. Collin and I said that a relationship would hinder the boys’ relationship. We said that we wouldn’t be able to hang out like we once did. The results are that we (me and Collin) were correct. Maybe not all the way but everyday is seems closer and closer to that truth that we had talked about. This girl’s new relationship has broken down that once great relationship that used to be the brotherhood. Even thought this girl claims things can be the same and that they should I feel that thing can never go back to the way they were. In a way this new relationship doesn’t want things to be like they were. They want their time and there is no time for guy time. They secluded us from the room and now all we can do is bitch. But bitching never got anyone anywhere. I am truly happy for this new couple but I wish that they could show some respect that we want to have time to hang out as the guys. She claims that we can do that, but the timing isn’t quite right. You see guy time should be spent at night when all the work for the day is done, not in the afternoon when the work is being done. Priorities should be set straight again but none of my words are helping the situation. When ever I say anything they never truly listen. They feel that they shouldn’t change, even though they are the ones that have changed everything. They fell that we should change. But I ask you, where should we change? Where can we go to hang out? When will things finally be good? Fuck-it. They don’t care, all they want is time to be together with each other. Maybe that’s why I don’t have a relationship, because I don’t want to put in that much time and effort. I believe that friends are better than girl-friends. Girl-friends should be second choice, and best friends are put in front of them.

I am the kind of guy that likes to follow suit. If someone else is the leader then I will just shut up and follow the leader. Earlier in the year thought of myself as a shadow, and I still like to be that shadow sometimes. I am the kind of guy that likes to just sit and think. I think about what people are saying and I think about what I’m going to say next. Often when I think of something good to say, I loose it when I listen to what people are trying to tell me. These people very often get mad at me and they think that I’m just holding back. Unfortunately for my luck I don’t have the memory that everyone else has. I forget and even though I looked like I was going to say something a few seconds ago doesn’t mean that I know what I was going to say. I just simply forgot.

I was talking to one of my friends today and she said that if a guy doesn’t remember to do something with his girl then he doesn’t deserve her. Because he forgot he doesn’t care, or at least not enough. I don’t believe in this totally. I believe that boys will forget and sometime they don’t mean to, but that’s just the way things go. It doesn’t mean they don’t care. And it doesn’t meant they are not the one for that girl, it doesn’t mean they don’t care. They just simply don’t have good memories, and in my case that is true.

I hope this sums up most of the events in my life lately. I can only hope that things get better and then I won’t have to write in the journal. Because I only write when I’m mad about something.

I wrote this a few nights ago, when I was drunk, but unfortunately the livejournal server was out of commission. I'm posting this now after a wunderbar day of skiing (that's German for wonderful). Yes, the weather is -10 with a wind chill of 40 below but I had a great time.

Mach's gut und Auf Wiedersehen.

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Training is all you need to be free [Dec. 8th, 2004|02:08 pm]
Dr. Bullhed
[Current Music |Vocal Trance]

I have endured the last bit of repetition. I am like a dog that jumps through the flaming hoop. First I'm taught to jump through a normal hoop, which I'm told I will recieve a treat in the end. Finally comes the day when I have to jump through the flaming hoop. And after jumping through the hoop, I'm told to sit and wait for my treat. That treat is to see if you made it through the hoop without catching on fire.

After much hard work and months of training I am proud to say that I am at last a Nation Ski Patroller.

The training was well worth it as there are many rewards.

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